Paul's Journal:Ramblings of a Pessimistic EmoGamer
by WonderholicXx
Summary: CONTINUED ON MY OTHER ACCOUNT
1. Welcome to my Life

**Entry One-**

"_Paul, the upstairs bathroom is suspiciously lacing in aerosols, you wouldn't happen to know anything about it, would you?"_

Is what my brother asks me when he finds me leaning halfway out of my bedroom window with my right hand now remaining firmly stuck in 'knarled beggar woman' position from my half hour long ritual of polluting the atmosphere with as many spray cans as possible before I pass out from the toxic fumes.

My skin has turned an interesting shade of purple but before I can investigate this pigment change more closely, my brother hauls me out of my room, grabs the can from my hand, and practically throws me into the shower, still fully clothed.

"_Shoot, I leave you alone for TEN MINUTES!"_

He starts jabbering about contaminated air and what not then reverts to his gay little 'what-a-deranged-little-brother-I-have' speech of his. Am secretly relieved he disturbed me as I was beginning to feel a little dizzy and light headed. Begin to enjoy shower until brother finally snaps.

_"-And what in God's name were you trying to do, anyway?"_

Inform him quite calmly that this is the fastest way I can think of to speed up global warming, a phenomenon so incredible that when the time comes for it to occur the world as we know it will have to stop dead in its tracks. Governments will panic as nations die off one by one, in a slowly dying world.

Brother sighs and mutters if I really don't want to go on this school trip I should have just told him instead of wasting $45. 50 worth of aerosol cans and nearly smothering myself with corrupt oxygen. I can stay with Will and his boyfriend instead. How lovely (Not).

I proceed to resume my packing from where I left off before I had thought of the (ingenious) global warming plan, hissing every time my brother passes by my room.

Have included:

-Tracksuit (black) x3

-Jeans (black) x3

-T-shirt with generic crude message (black) x5

-Pyjama bottoms (with elasticized waistband – black) x3

-Jacket (blue and black) x1

-Nintendo DS

-_Pokemon Platinum Version_

_-Pokemon SoulSilver Version_

-This book

-Entire collection of _Ghost Hunt_ DVDs (I think Mai is foxy)

-As many candybars as I can fit into the back pockets

-Can of Bugspray x7

-My plush rabbit without which I cannot sleep (aptly nicknamed 'Seto Kaiba Duke Devlin Aster Phoenix Cynthia Kinomotou', Seto for short)

-A copy of _The Tale of Scrottie McBoogerballs_ (snicker)

Wanted to bring collection of _Death Note_ manga but my _Vampire Knight_ backpack will only hold so much crap.

**Entry Two-**

Brother has removed two of my t-shirts (due to said crude messages) and replaced them with brand name crap. He also ate three of my candybars while he was repacking, which I am pissed off about.

**Entry Three-**

To celebrate the fact we don't have to see each other again for a whole week, my psychotic brother and I had one of those 'family meal' things which basically consisted of half of the KFC menu and this strange organic stuff he's become obsessed with apparently called 'fruit'.

Was actually beginning to enjoy the shallow conversation and heavily processed steamed rat (or whatever the heck I was eating – who can tell with fast food?) when my brother decides to break to me the news that this elusive girlfriend he's been casually seeing for the past few weeks is none other than that straw haired computer geek whom I despised. Began choking on my rat.

Reggie, my delightful older brother, laughs and thumps me on the back. I glare at him as if to say "Contrary to popular belief, thumping people on the back while they are choking actually doesn't help at all, instead it may lodge the object further down the person's throat resulting in an even worse situation than before". But I don't think he gets it, as all he did was turn back to his plate and shove a mouthful of French fries down his throat.

I'm too lazy to make a dramatic scene about the whole thing so decide to just glare at him for the rest of the meaning.

**Entry Four-**

Wake up ridiculously early and haul myself into the bathroom to get ready for the trip that I have an ominous feeling about. In fact, the only thing I can think of to look forward is the prospect of spending an entire week with Troublesome. Remember I once overheard her telling someone she loved the smell of citrus so douse myself a little too heavily with Reggie's lemon cologne.

Bus leaves at seven and brother drops me in at quarter to. Pass time by playing the movie _Terminator_ in my head.

**Entry Five-**

Find seat near front of bus and proceed to glare at anyone idiotic enough to try and sit beside me.

Hear giggling behind me and groan loudly but I am ignored.

"_Anyway, Dawn I've been looking forward to this trip for WEEKS; I can't WAIT to show you my new bikini,"_

Perk up when I hear the name Dawn. Dawn, Dawn… that name is familiar…

Then I remember. Dawn is Troublesome's real name.

I about face and kneel so I'm directly facing the seat behind me.

Troublesome and The Ginger are giggling stupidly about something they think is funny. I'm willing to bet it's not.

"_What do YOU want_?"

Ginger groans when she sees me. Ignore her and ask Troublesome where she got her shirt.

She blushes before stammering some insignificant store.

"It's nice," I comment. "Yeah, amazing what those designer labels can do to make those fried eggs look impressive. Your chest looks almost like that of a female,"

"_PAUL!"_

I turn back in my seat and gingerly touch the cheek where she slapped me.

Ahh, true love.

**Entry Six-**

No way. No way. I mean, I can handle the hour-long bus ride in which, for the remaining 45 minutes, the morons sitting in the back start up a round of 99 Bottles of Vodka or whatever. Can also handle the expected log cabin that smells strongly of decaying woodland critter and, for some strange reason, vanilla.

But I cannot, should not, WILL NOT put up with THEM as my room/cab inmates.

"_Come on, Paul, it'll be fun!"_

Ketchum whoops gleefully as I moan with frustration and attempt to death glare the camp director into submission. No such luck.

For the next week I am stuck with KETCHUM, AYASAKI and OAK, of all people.

Beginning to understand the speculation that surrounded Gold's disappearance when he and Silver were forced to share a room during the annual sophomore trip to Kyoto – so he WAS brutally murdered in his sleep as opposed to simply moving to China…

Proceed to move all belongings as well as sheets and pillows from one bunk into bathroom, where I will sleep ALONE and UNDISTURBED for the next week. Inform cab inmates I don't care how many spontaneous bladder infections they happen to develop throughout the next few days, as of right now anyone who enters Paul's Lair, unpermitted, must DIE.

**Entry Seven-**

Leave Lair to go for short walk to check out surroundings. Just as I thought: trees, more trees and some rocks. I hate nature.

Meet up with Troublesome and her other friend, the one with the eating disorder and fear of small furry animals.

I've got to admit, it is nice to see Troublesome out of her uniform for once. The black lace top she was wearing looked gorgeous against her peachy-cream skin and her red leather mini showed off her slim legs. When she laughed, a sound as clear as crystal, she tossed back the sheet of navy blue hair that tumbled down her back, shining in the afternoon sun.

Asked her what's with the transvestite ringmaster donkey look she had goin' on.

"_PAUL!"_

This time her entire face went red. I must say, I'm beginning to enjoy when she gets angry; she's pretty damn sexy. Told her so too.

"_You are such a_ jerk!"

I really don't see why I bother.

**Entry Eight-**

Retreat back to Lair and spend rest of evening playing _Pokemon Platinum Version _until I abuse the 'Walk through Walls' cheat so much the game crashes. Shit.

With the music from my game now gone, the raucous laughter coming from the other room seems louder than ever. Creep into room, all set to piss like a bitch with PMS at all present, but, as it turns out everyone is just leaving. Everyone but Ketchum.

"Well?" I demand, raising an eyebrow. "Why aren't you going?"

His face falters and he looks around, shifty eyed.

"_Gary and Drew are gone over to the girls' cabin. Apparently there's some sort of party going on,"_

He confesses. I snort and retreat back into my lair. Of course, Ketchum has no interest in partying either. Not because he despises the world and all its inhabitants but because he has no clue about females. Seriously. He is the kind of guy who asks our Professor what fellatio meant after Oak preformed a pretty decent impression of one on our trip the Museum of Natural History. Huh.

The thought of Ketchum ever having any sort of romantic relationship is laughable.

**Entry Nine-**

Beginning to regret previous entry as irony has come back to bite me on the ass once again.

Was trying to sleep when I heard more laughter but this time softer and more hushed. Remained curious for 0.0000007 of a second but then just got pissed off as it was not easy to airbrush Troublesome's top off in my mind when noise was coming from the next room.

Decided to confront the culprit.

"Hey, can't you just jack off QUIETLY and get some freaking sleep?"

I yell at Ketchum. Then I see whom he's with. What is The Ginger doing here?

Oh. OH.

They're like that…?

Starting tomorrow, I will work on making some progress with Troublesome.

**Entry Ten-**

"Wow, Troublesome, your make up does not make you look _at all_ like a sleazy prostitute pantomime witch in any way today!"

"_PAUL!"_

We'll get there.


	2. THE IKARISHIPPING CHAPTER

**Author's Notes: Just wanted to say a big thank you to all that have read and added this story to their favourites and especially to those kind enough to review! n.n I hope all you guys keep reading!**

**Huh, just checked my phone messages. Apparently a friend I originally had down as 'Asuka Aoyagi' (due to her hatred of all things 'Jappa-crappeh-neizy') in my phonebook has changed her name to 'Epicness!' while I wasn't looking. Eejit...**

**Oh yeah...did anyone catch the South Park reference in chapter one?**

**Entry One-**

_Pokemon Trainer Danny sends out Feraligator!_

_Feraligator used Super Duper Awesome Killing Attack!_

_It's not very effective..._

Shit, this whole game is seriously starting to get on my nerves. What currently ranks number one on 'Paul's List of Things That Make Him Pissy' is that freaking call system. That pigtailed FREAK phoning me every few seconds to tell me whatever she's gotten up to in her sad, pathetic little life.

'hey, Paul, I just battled a ratata omg it was so tough!'

'hey, Paul, I just saw a tree omg so kewl,'

'hey, Paul, I just got raped omg it was lik so awesome lololol,'

_Feraligator used Hydro Pump!_

_Magmortar fainted._

Shit, I lost? That little prick! Stupid Wi-fi. I blame Wi-fi…

"_JESUS CHRIST, JOHNATHAN, THERE'S A CHILD IN OUR LIVING ROOM!"_

Calm down, this is the only room in the whole campsite which has Internet. It's not like I've broken in to murder you in your sleep with a machete.

"_My…my vase!"_

Oh. That…Yeah...

That was already broken. By the hostile aliens that live in your closet. Or something.

**Entry Two-**

Am now on kitchen duty for the rest of the week not so much because I broke into the camp councilor's cabin to go online but more so because I broke his wife's priceless china vase she had imported from Hokkaido. I now know how Haruhi feels.

**Entry Three-**

Not that I read shoujo manga or anything like that. Nope, not at all, no siree.

**Entry Four-**

I support Nekozawa x his glove puppet, by the way.

**Entry Five-**

Return to cabin more than a little disgruntled and my mood is not helped when I find my Lair has been invaded by strangers from the outside world. How dare they enter my Lair? How dare they trespass into my cabin? HOW DARE THEY NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM?

What the hell do you guys think you're doing? Didn't you get my warning?

I gesture towards the sign I had hung on the door. Might as well stick it in here if no one's bothering to heed it. Don't have any scotch tape so will use own saliva instead.

**PAUL'S LAIR: INTRUDERS WILL BE SUCKED INTO THE REVERSE WORLD TO FEED GIRATINA'S BELLY**

I thought that that would've shaken them up pretty badly. But nooooo, this is KETCHUM we're talking about here!

_"We thought that only applied to when you were here! Besides, I haven't peed in two days!"_

Like I care. Real men hold it in. And I distantly remember gently waking one of you up and telling you I'd be back soon.

_"That was five o' clock in the morning. And it was ME you woke up, gently my ass, with a bitchslap that still has me reeling,"_

Whatever, Oak. My point is still I said I'd be back soon.

_"It's half twelve, Paul,"_

I can tell time, you stupid Chazz Princeton wannabe! I needed some bonding time with my Pokemon!

_"How sick, he masturbates to his game console!"_

WHAT WAS THAT, AYASAKI? SPEAK LOUDER, I DIDN'T QUITE CATCH THAT.

I have giant poster Misa Amane on my wall for a reason.

And it's not like you're getting any more action than me.

_"As a matter of fact, I'm meeting up with May to go into town after this morning's activities,"_

I hate when he flips his hair like that, like he's starring in a L'Oreal commercial. He is so not worth it.

_"Look, he sleeps with a bunny!"_

Ketchum lunges for Seto before I punch him in the nose. Yeah, you'd better bleed, bitch, you'd better-

WAIT. WHAT MORNING ACTIVITIES?

**Entry Six-**

I forgot about the whole 'camp' side of this camp.

"_Did you also forget about breakfast duty?"_

Apparently Ginger has been sent to round me up when I'm 20 minutes late. I hate that female so much.

**Entry Seven-**

Her and Blue hover around me as I serve everyone breakfast.

Growl and mutter if Ginger knows what's good for her she'll do some very quick pissing off. Mention Blue can stay, if she wants, as when she perches sideways on her chair I have a birds eye view of her impressive cleavage, bangin' double D's, round enough to rival Alexis Rhodes herself.

Was congratulating myself on my witty remark when I notice Silver lurking in the background, his eyes focused directly on me. Begin to sweat as I brace myself for whatever crazy revenge he tries with me after my comment about Blue's chest.

**Entry Eight-**

Someone has snapped the elastic in all of my pajama bottoms. I wonder whom?

**Entry Nine-**

Our first activity: A nature trail. How lovely. I think I'll go vomit under that tree over there.

**Entry Ten-**

Sidle up to Troublesome and sort of just stand there. She's looking at me wearily. Why, I wonder. Smile at her and she actually backs away from me. There's an awkward silence.

_"Awkward turtle!" _

Blue screams and everyone laughs.

"_Thaaaat's got to be the creepiest thing I've ever seen," _

Ginger smirks. I revert back to Prick!Mode and ask Ginger if the reason she hasn't been swimming as much lately is because of the throbbing hemorrhoids that have erupted all over her fat ass.

She reaches out to punch me but Troublesome gets the first blow.

_"You are such a jerk, Paul! I hate you more than Emperor Shizumasa hates Haine Otomiya!"_

Told her quite calmly that a) I won't understand any crazy shoujo references she happens to make, b) it's not like I was insulting her and c) if she had actually bothered to read more than the first few volumes she would know it is not the actual Shizumasa that despises Otomiya but his twin brother.

Expected her to explode in my face but her face actually lit up and she started jabbering suddenly about how adorable Mao-chan was.

Don't have the heart to tell her to can it, as her smile is just so beautiful.

**Entry Eleven-**

Was in deep discussion about Full Moon Sagashite until camp instructor told me to pair instead with Silver. Spent entire afternoon averting the crazy red head's eyes to avoid him trying to 'kill me or something' because I looked at him the wrong way and hoped some sort of rabid chipmunk would take pity on me and eat me alive.

**Entry Twelve-**

Felt like such crap after tiresome day actually went looking for Troublesome to cheer me up but to no avail. Found Ginger and that bandana-headed chick watching Blue wrestle with some trees.

_"Help! Help! I'm being raped by a sycamore!"_

For some reason, everyone bursts into squeals of laughter.

_"Don't you mean an OAK?"_

Ginger chirps and they laugh harder.

So...this is the kind of thing females find funny. Still, if Troublesome is involved, I'm willing to give anything a go.

**Entry Thirteen-**

Heeeeey...Troublesome...if you want...I could...pretend to...be a sycamore tree and, uh...rape you...or something...

This time, when she reached up to slap me, her hand only barely tipped my cheek so her heart obviously wasn't in it.

We're finally making progress! n.n

**Entry Fourteen-**

My brief good mood has come to an abrupt end as I return to the mess hall once more to serve dinner. Tch. To make matters worse, Ketchum seems intent as taking as long as possible to question every option in order to thoroughly piss me off.

"_What is that? It looks like pee,"_

It is pee. My pee to be exact.

He gives me a strange look.

"_You're kind of…weird y'know. Anyway, can I just get a hot dog then?"_

No! There ARE NO hotdogs!

_"Paul, there's a giant plate of hotdogs right next to your hand!"_

No there's not, now go away! No one can have any freaking hotdogs, especially not YOU of all people!

I snigger as he leaves looking forlorn.

If I am not happy no one else can be happy and if eating hotdogs makes them happy they may not eat hot dogs!

No one can have any hotdogs! NO ONE.

**Entry Sixteen-**

"_Hey, Paul, can I've a hotdog?"_

For sure, Troublesome, for sure. Anything for you.

**Entry Seventeen-**

Was inwardly celebrating the fact she smiled at me when she asked for her hot dog until I saw her discreetly give it to Ketchum when she thought I wasn't looking. COWSLUTWHORE!

...It's like ManBearPig.

**Entry Eighteen-**

She's half-cow, half-slut, half-whore.

...She has nice eyes, though.


	3. DIVE into the Game but LOOK OUT!

**I'm sorry it took me so long to update – it's the back to school blues :( Ah wells. Thanks again for every reader's support – ya'll are really making my day! n.n**

**On an irrelevant note, the PokeCommunity rawks and anyone who is not yet a member (gasp) go sign up now! XD**

**On with Chapter 3: Dive into the Game – Look Out!**

**Entry One-**

Due to recent raccoon manifestation have been forced to move back into the actual sleeping quarters of bunk. Most unfortunately, only bunk readily available is the bottom right so will be spending rest of week sleeping under Ketchum.

Arceus, I never thought I'd have to say those words.

**Entry Two-**

Damn raccoons!

**Entry Three-**

I mean it; I've been having nightmares for days now.

**Entry Four-**

/in creepy voice

_Avada_-

AND THEN A RACOON APPEARED AND DIED FOR NO REASON

**Entry Five-**

I'm bored. I've pwned the Battle Frontier like seventy times in the past three days. What to do, what to do...

Huh, _Pokemon Mystery Dungeons Blue Rescue Team_? ...I love how careless Ketchum is with his stuff...Y'know what they say, finders keepers...

**Entry Six-**

Oh Eem Gee, I love this Salamence. Why have I never taken advantage of Ubers like this before? That's right Zangoose, you stupid little skanktard you, you better snuff it.

SALAMENCE, DRAGON CLAW

Wtf, no you can't join my team...

**Entry Seven-**

Salamence rocks! I seriously don't know why they even bother to keep MAKING Pokemon after this one.

_"Hey, have any of you guys seen my Mystery Dungeon game_?"

I'm about to derecruit this stupid Squirtle that actually resulted as his personality match from the start of the game. I'm guessing he had to do this several times...

"_Paul, can I have my game back_?"

It's on level 31 too. I mean, what the hell?

"_Paul-"_

NO Ketchum you CANNOT and what exactly will happen if _I_ eat this Blinker Seed?

"_Paul, do you really have to steal my things-"_

...Shit, THAT'S what it does.

FINE. I was getting bored again anyway!

**Entry Eight-**

Paul is majorly pissed off today, as if you couldn't tell. Even more so than usual.

Wait, why am I referring to myself in third person?

**Entry Nine-**

_"_Thank you_! But you should really ask before you borrow y'know, Paul_..."

Hear sniggering from top bunk.

_"Can't you two be good little boys and play nicely? Paul really should learn to share..."_

PAUL REALLY SHOULD BREAK YOUR FACE

_"Whatever-"_

Insert gay message tone here.

_"Ooooh, Blue, you're so naughty~"_

Oh Arceus, I DON'T wanna know. This camp is driving me INSANE. And it's not even as if I wanted to come here in the first place! Still, where do YOU choose when it's a log cabin in the middle of nowhere versus spending some father son quality time with that psycho Will and whatever guy he happens to be shacking up at the moment? It's hardly Sophie's Choice! Yet when I get here it's even worse than I expected! I've been bitten by mosquitoes at least 37 times and those dammed councilors are forever leaping down my throat over the smallest thing!

"_Paul, you've injured nine individuals, including three councilors_,"

Does my rant sound finished, Oak? That's another thing! Now I've got to spend 24/7 with you losers thanks to those DAMMED RACOONS! Ayasaki constantly reeks of girly perfume, Oak's sexting is quite frankly the most disturbing thing I've ever come across in my life and KETCHUM! THAT BASTARD WAKES ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT EVERY TIME HE FARTS JUST TO TELL ME! AND HE WAKES ME UP SEVERAL TIMES!

"..._What raccoons_?"

I'M TELLING YOU I'M SICK OF THIS DUMP; I FEEL LIKE MURDERING YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP AND I'M SLOWLY LOOSING WHAT LITTLE FAITH I HAD LEFT IN HUMANITY-

"..._Oh boy, I think he's left us_"

AND THEN, TO TOP IT ALL OFF, HE-HE-HE-**HE EATS ALL OF MY CANDY BARS!**

Silence.

Storm outside and as I do hear Oak mutter 'douche bag,' followed by a low thump then the beautiful sound of Ketchum's moans of agony reach my ears...

**Entry Ten-**

Spend all of morning up tree mooing to startle below passer-bys.

**Entry Eleven-**

By afternoon we are all recruited to the pitch and told by staff that they can think of fuck all to do with us. Do we have any suggestions?

Ginger points out the weather is perfect for paddling - why don't we go down to the lake and swim for a while?

Mutter maybe it's because some of us plan on keeping our sanitation but if she wants to splash around in the piss water filled with decaying flesh, mutant fish, RACOONS and Arceus knows what else she's perfectly welcome to. I certainly have no complaints.

All right, maybe I hardly muttered it seeing as she's on me within 2 seconds.

Add that I find hitting rocks with tennis rackets a much more satisfying past time.

Not to mention the thought of HER in a bikini is enough to scare me off sex for life.

**Entry Twelve-**

Do not like Blue is giving me. DO NOT LIKE AT ALL.

**Entry Thirteen-**

Oh, well done, Paul, councilors have now decided we will all play tennis for the next four solid hours. I really hate myself sometimes.

**Entry Fourteen-**

Maybe I'll go break my legs using that seemingly harmless axe lying by that goal post over there.

...Change of plan, turns out axe is property of Silver. Am I seriously the only one here with a terrifying bigger picture in mind?

**Entry Sixteen-**

WTF? I HAVE TO WEAR GYM SHORTS AND SHIRT?

**Entry Seventeen-**

WTF? I DID NOT BRING GYM SHORTS AND SHIRT?

"_Hey Paul, I have a spare tennis outfit if you want..."_

**Entry Eighteen-**

I TOLD YOU I DID NOT LIKE THE LOOK IN THAT EVIL GIRL'S EYES!

**Entry Nineteen-**

"_Wow, Blue, that's generous of you! You and Paul are around the same size so I think that'd be okay,"_

WTF IS WRONG WITH THE COUNCILLOR?

**Entry Twenty- **

I am putting it out there now that I, Paul Kinomotou, do NOT wear women's clothing! Do you honestly think I get my funzies from stuff like that? I am not Ketchum and I am certainly not Ayasaki!

Doesn't the camp have spare sets of clothes? I mean, I should really.

**Entry Twenty One-**

Of course the camp has spare clothes, councilor tells me. Just not when I'm involved.

**Entry Twenty Two-**

Trudge to changing rooms, Blue's garments balled up in my fist. Head straight for corner, amplifying Glare of Death as I change.

Shirt is not bad, actually. Flops loosely over chest and hips (damn you, Blue!) and even has 'Paramore rules!' written in the top right corner.

...The 'I love Josh' on the back, however, I could do without...

Slowly remove jeans and pull on shorts. Single most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me in my life and that includes catching Will and Lucian BUTT NAKED AND AT IT on the sofa when I came home from school one evening.

Shorts cover ass and that's about it. Clings roughly to my freakishly girly thighs, emphasizing their embarrassing shape. YES I HAVE GIRLS LEGS SO WHAT EVEN THE BEST OF US HAVE FLAWS.

If ANYONE DARES TO SO MUCH AS STARE...

Children present behave themselves for several seconds then I hear a wolf whistle. From Ayasaki's side of the room. Hmm...

**Entry Twenty Three-**

_"DREW, OH LORD, HE'S BLEEDING! ARE YOU OKAY?"_

Why is the stupid councilor so concerned? It's not like I killed him. If Ketchum hadn't been such a little tell tale I might've got around to it...

_"All I said was you have nice legs!"_

_"PAUL!"_

And all I did was aim a few punches in his general direction! I really fail to see how I am at fault here this time-

_"PAUL, SHUT UP AND GO PLAY TENNIS!"_

I hate men.

**Entry Twenty Four-**

I hate women too. Except for a certain blunette, of course.

**Entry Twenty Five-**

Find her and have to stare. Admittedly Ketchum has bigger boobs but her lower half is something she should be damn proud of! Her sexy little butt looks FINE in those shorts and her legs look spankin' hawt!

"_Hey, Paul! Your sexy little butt looks FINE in those shorts and your legs look spankin' hawt!"_

Oh no, Troublesome, you did not just go there. I love you and all and someday you will have my nine babies but I'm afraid I just can't allow you to make comments like that.

**Entry Twenty Six-**

When I'm through with her, she's in tears.

**Entry Twenty Seven-**

BLUE YOU ARE AN EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL FEMALE.

"_And your legs are nicer than mine. I think we're even,"_

NO WE ARE NOT. NO WE SO ARE NOT.

"_PAUL I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO PLAY TENNIS!"_

**Entry Twenty Eight-**

Right, so I'm currently playing doubles with none other than the evil yet annoyingly sexy whore bag as my partner (She's supposedly the only one brave enough to come within five feet of me when I'm in this mood). It's versus Ketchum and the evil yet annoyingly sexy whore bag's lover.

"_I want a NICE CLEAN GAME!" _

Supervisor glares at me.

Haha, that's what she-…it's TENNIS you freak.

"_Start now!" _

**Entry Twenty Nine-**

Blue serves. Ball lands on other side, bounces twice and neither opposition move.

Blue serves again. This time either Oak is too stupid to hit it, unwillingly to play her or too stupid to hit it. Ketchum lunges for it, misses and whacks himself in the face with his own racket. HA!

I don't believe this. Only one minute in and it's like 5 million-love.

**Entry Thirty-**

My point. So that's 135425 to me…

**Entry Thirty One-**

Did I mention I'm AWESOME?

"_Out,"_

IT IS SO NOT OUT OAK.

"_Paul, when none of us can even _see_ the ball anymore it's definitely out,"_

**Entry Thirty Two-**

"_If you let him serve again I'm not playing anymore," _

This comes after the loss of our ninth ball.

WOULD YOU LEAVE ME BE I AM TRYING TO BUMP MYSELF DOWN TO YOUR PATHETIC LEVEL GIVE ONE MORE SHOT, OKAY?

Oak sighs and readies himself, lifting his racket over his shoulder.

"_Right I am gonna absolutely BELT this back at him,"_

Ball flies into air, over net, over fence, out of court, into field and out of sight.

"_Or not,"_

**Entry Thirty Three-**

As Oak is sent to retrieve our balls, I practice my swing. However, as there are no balls around, Ketchum's head must do as a substitute.

"_OW-would-OW-you-OW-stop-OW-that-OW!"_

Blue drops her racket and sighs.

"_I reckon none of us are quite gonna make it to Wimbleton this year…"_

Do NOT ASK how the next Arceus forsaken four hours go...

**Bit of a blunt ending there 0.0 And I apologize in advance for the delay of any future updates – you can blame my stupid Junior Cert - I DON'T NEED IRISH; IT'S A DISGUSTING DEAD LANGUAGE**

**In the next Chapter: Paul's Journal gets stolen! I wonder who the culprits are…Oh wow, this story is getting SERIAL! …Please keep reading…**


	4. In my mind, things are going great

**I'm gonna let y'all in on a little secret. Before I started writing this story, I had actually envisioned it in my head as a little, 100 words-per-chapter updated daily type of fic (like 'Yuki's Secret Diary') Also; it was Paul's blog as opposed to a journal. And at the end of each chapter were snippy little comments from Ash, Dawn, Gary, Blue and Misty logged into their livejournal accounts.**

**I might stand by that idea, actually, but just for one chapter, or something.**

**Also, I'm really part Giratina but I won't say where.**

**I dedicate this chapter to Jen, my Lesser Panda Bear!**

**Entry One-**

**ASH WAS HERE LOVIN' MISTY FOREVER AND FOR ALWAYS**

**PIKACHU IS AWESOME**

**This diary is so lame! It's just Paul complaining about us for pages and pages and him talking about his Pokemon games. Why does he use the stupid walk through walls cheat so much anyway? It doesn't really do anything. Except, y'know, let you walk through walls.**

It gives him a smug feeling of superiority when he's able to do things the makers of the game hadn't originally intended possible. This is to compensate for the fact he has a tiny penis.

**LOL Gary, you're so funny! What does compensate mean?**

_'Ring master donkey look'? That boy is sad._

I always knew he liked her. He acts like a fucking pansy around her.

_Paul needs to learn women are to be treated with respect!_

**PAUL LIKES DAWN? ARE YOU SERIOUS? OW, GARY THAT HURT!**

Of course he likes her, a flippin' monkey could see that.

_I think it's sweet. Let's tell her._

Yeah!

**...My head hurts...**

Oh shit, he's coming!

**Entry Two-**

...This is not happening. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. THIS IS NOT FREAKING HAPPENING!

**Entry Three-**

...Because if I say it over and over again it won't be true...

HOW DARE THEY? HOW DARE THEY? I OUGHT TO SIC ARCEUS ON 'EM FOR THAT - THAT - THAT -

...I think I might die...

**Entry Four-**

I've got to do something to regain my 'I-don't-love-anybody-but-I-hate-you' status. Like, throw a chair at somebody. Or something...

**Entry Five-**

_"And he has this journal where he records your every move,"_

_"It's really creepy! He writes down your conversations!"_

Damn you, Ayasaki! Screw you, Oak!

_"I dunno though, I think you could do a lot better, Dawn,"_

...You didn't just go there Ketchum...

_"Paul's cross-eyed,"_

**Entry Six-**

! ! ! ! !

**Entry Seven-**

...I WILL KILL HIM DEAD. I DON'T NEED ROCKS - I'LL USE MY BARE HANDS!

Must...punish...Ketchum...

**Entry Eight-**

_"Paul, why is there a dead rat on my bed?"_

You said you were hungry.

_"Guys...he's being weird again..."_

YOU TOLD TROUBLESOME! YOU TOLD HER!

_"Troubles-oh! Yeah, Dawn! Well, you sure didn't seem like you were going to let it slip anytime soon!"_

You read my freaking journal!

_"Yes, Paul, we read your stupid diary-"_

To the Distortion World with you, Oak, it's an Arceus-damned journal!

_"...What the hell does it matter?"_

I am not a woman! I do not need to express my soul in a notebook! A journal is a recollection of thoughts about a certain subject!

_"What, Dawn's boobs?"_

_"Or, rather, lack of them,"_

DO NOT TALK ABOUT TROUBLESOME LIKE THAT-

_"I love how he claims not to like her then defends her in front of us,"_

I'd love to punch the crap out of you, Ayasaki...

**Entry Nine-**

So. That's it. My secret's out. She knows. She...knows...

Wait, she already knew. What am I so pissed off about?

**Entry Ten-**

I am so not cross-eyed.

**Entry Eleven-**

And even if I was that's no reason not to like me! I mean look at me, I'm completely adorable.

"_Paul, quit scribbling and turn the lights off. I'm tryin' to sleep here!"_

Who cares if she knows I like her? It was only a matter of time, anyway.

_"Paul, tomorrow's our last day of camp - we have that big baseball game first thing - turn off the freaking light!"_

Who knows, this might even amount to something?

_"PAUL!"_

I'm going to dream about marrying Troublesome and stabbing Oak's chest so hard his intestines turn to mush in my blood-stained hands, as he falls to the floor begging for mercy and then I shall wrap his spleen around my neck to symbolize my victory.

**Entry Twelve-**

Stupid baseball game. Someone could've warned my about this!

_"Hey - uh, Paul..."_

Hm?

_"Listen, I know Ash and the guys can be idiots sometimes but they said something about you - uh, keeping a journal about me or something..."_

I know of no such journal, Troublesome.

_"Then...what's that you're writing in right now?"_

It's my Death Note. What's your surname again?

_"Look, Paul, if you really like me...there's no need to be shy..."_

This is it!

_"I mean...you can be a real jerk but the other day, when we were talking about Arina Tanemura...something just clicked, y'know?"_

..Did Blue put you up to this?

_"No! No, I...do you really like me, Paul?"_

Of course, Troublesome. Want to know which part of you I like best?

_"...Did you just wink at me?"_

...No. I definitely did not just wink at you.

"..."

It's bittersweet how your shirt is so loose; it's so easy to sneak subtle glances but seeing as there's hardly anything there worth looking at...

_"...Fuck you, Paul,"_

Where and when, Troublesome, where and when?

**Entry Thirteen-**

...She kicked me...

...It hurt...

**Entry Fourteen-**

"Alright guys, unfortunately it's your last day of camp but I hope you had a really great time with us! For our last activity we're gonna play a game of baseball - girls against the guys, how does that sound?"

I hear throat slitting is a messy procedure...

But the blades of grass here are so sharp; what to do, what to do...

**Entry Fifteen-**

_"PAUL! GET YOUR FURRY GREEN ASS OVER HERE, YOU'RE BATTING FIRST!"_

...Excuse me? Furry...? Green...?

**Entry Sixteen-**

_"I CALL ONE OF THE BASES!"_

Blue is so hot. Almost as hot as Troublesome.

_"Man, it's hot today! ...Do not tell me we have to wear those yellow bibs?"_

They certainly are revolting. All females suddenly don a custard coloured apron. Minus bandana-headed chick who insists on wearing her's inside out so it's red instead of yellow.

Alright, I'm ready to bat.

**Entry Seventeen-**

Too easy. Reach Blue's base before Ginger's stopped drooling long enough to notice I'm gone. Could've easily got a home run but...like I said before, Blue's hot!

_"Check it out, Paul,"_

She draws bandana-chick into a hug.

_"Me and May make orange babies,"_

_"Wait, but...we're only at second base..."_

_"Right. We gotta get home. Hey, Paul. Goatman is ALWAYS watching..."_

Yeah, I'M strange...

**Entry Eighteen-**

Ayasaki is now strutting about as if he owns the place just because he got a home run. I must say - it's ANNOYING.

_"Aah, this feels even better than someone who loves blueberry smoothies taking their first sip of a blueberry smoothie after having been deprived of blueberry smoothies..."_

...No comment... Arceus, what a fag...

**Entry Nineteen-**

Yeah, guys win 16-3. Blue's throttling Oak. I think I'll go watch.

_"AND DON'T THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE MALE AND JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A DICK IT MAKES YOU ANY BETTER THAN ALL OF US JUST BECAUSE WE'RE WOMEN- WHAT, THAT SO BETTER NOT'VE BEEN A GIGGLE, YOU STUPID X CHROMSONE CARRYING BASTARD..."_

I love her...

**Entry Twenty-**

Five minutes later, Blue turns to Ginger.

_"Can't wait to get home and watch _Glee_,"_

**Entry Twenty One-**

I have everything packed and I'm ready to leave! Get out of my way, Oak...wait.

**Entry Twenty Two-**

WHERE'S MY NINTENDO DS?

"_Paul, relax, it'll be here somewhere-"_

Don't tell me to relax - help my look for my freaking gameboy!

_"Sheesh, no need to get so worked up! Alright, where'd you have it last?"_

Up my ass.

_"That's helpful,"_

I CAN'T FIND IT!

_"PAUL, I AM TRYING TO HELP HERE, YOU FREAK! I wasn't expecting you to get so crazy over a gameboy..."_

AND I WASN'T EXPECTING TO FIND A RACOON IN MY REFRIDGERATOR BUT WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR THERE IT WAS ALL DEAD AND FROZEN AND STUFF! THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN THIS WORLD THAT MAKE SENSE - AND SOME THAT DON'T!

_"...Okay, you've just crossed over into a whole new world of crazy..."_

**Entry Twenty Three-**

So - you - little - scumbag - thought - it'd - be - funny - to - hide - my - DS - huh?

_"Paul, I'm sorry! I didn't know I had it, I swear! OW - please - OW - stop - OW - punching - OW - me!"_

The sooner I leave this place the better.

**Entry Twenty Four-**

On bus.

**Entry Twenty Five-**

Still on bus.

**Entry Twenty Six-**

Oh - my - Arceus!

**Entry Twenty Seven-**

Stopping in McMiltanks. Fantastic. Not.

Casually linger around Troublesome although she is currently not speaking to me.

_"I think I'll have the Shaymin salad..."_

I'd like to Shaymin your salad...

...I get the 'glazed over eyes' look.

**Entry Twenty Eight-**

Order MooMooMiltank burger and eat in isolated corner, glancing over at Troublesome every few seconds. Dammit, I want her to love me again!

...Not that she ever loved me but, yeah...

**Entry Twenty Nine-**

Hi...Troublesome...listen...I'd like to, um...apol-apoligize for this morning...your hair is shinier than the lesser panda bear's sheen during the rising of the morning sun...

Crap, she's raising her hand!

**Entry Thirty-**

She...pat me? What the Giratina?

_"It's a start, Paul. I still hate you though,"_

**Entry Thirty One-**

Feel so dazed I bang into a table and fall over.

...She didn't see, it's okay.

**Entry Thirty Two-**

I think I'll end on a high note. There's a saying that goes "Those who don't work don't deserves to eat," Remember and cherish it always.

...I really don't know how it applies here, though.

**Entry Thirty Three-**

...We're naming our son 'Cassian'.

**Ash writes like this because bold print is for cool people!**

Gary puts a line under what he writes because he's special

_Drew writes in fancy italics because he's a prissy faggot. I love him, though. I also love Glee._

Keep reading! I love you...

Four words for the next chapter: Pokemon Black and White


	5. Unnyappy in the Parallel World

**I'm so sorry; I took a long time to update! Tch, blame my exams and psychotic friends... (I think I did ok but it was the Religion exam that gave me the most trouble...)**

**I just want to thank everyone once again for reading and reviewing this story n.n Twenty-one reviews is a whole lot to me; I'm so honoured you took the time to tell me what you think. It makes me wanna try hard to make this story better (It's kind of lame as it is). I don't write for reviews - I write because I want to entertain **_**you**_**. Yes, that's right, specifically **_**you**_**! And for you to tell me I made you laugh, well it just makes my day ;-)**

**Two important characters are introduced in this chapter: Barry and Giratina! Funnily enough, no one's mentioned Barry so far so I wonder how you'll react to him? (Yashi, I know for a fact you like him, my fellow Shinjiclub lurker, you ;-D How I portray him, however, is an entirely different story...) **

**As for Giratina...o3o**

**Several things are explained in this chapter, such as the origin of Paul's Di-er, JOURNAL but Reggie's girlfriend will have to wait for another chapter~**

**Finally (I'm sorry this author's note is so long but better here than the middle of the story), Barry's comment about Jesus was actually taken from a faux newspaper a friend wrote. It was hysterical; I wish I could share it with you xD Among the many articles he discussed were Bertie Ahern's acting in the latest Harry Potter film (Ahern was Ireland's Taoiseach/ Prime Minister), a rabid hamster attack on Barrack Obama, a herd of cows' thirst for blood and an answer to the intriuging question 'Do chickens **_**really**_** exist?' The answer to this was spread across two broadsheet pages, in big bold capital letters - YES**

**Please try enjoy this~**

**Entry One-**

It's supposed to be a fruit parfait, actually.

The picture I've just stuck in here, I mean.

I think that just may be the greatest strawberry I've ever drawn.

The baby could use some work, however. Human anatomy be darned!

...I felt like drawing my favourite food, okay?

**Entry Two-**

Thanks alot REGGIE, you stupid, good-for-nothing, useless, Arceusforsaken older brother, you. I'll gauge your eyes out with this sharpie marker!

_"That's a Promarker, Paul,"_

I was wondering why it was bleeding. AND WHY IT DOESN'T SMELL OF DRUGS.

_"Are you still angry because I forgot to collect you at the bus stop? I mean, I'm really sorry and all but you got home fine by yourself,"_

...NO.

_"Come on, Paul, I said I'm sorry! Let me see a smile! Go on, I see it! It's coming!"_

I bet you're coming, you disgusting paedophile, you. I see that picture you're gazing at so dreamily. That girl must be at least ten!

_"...Well, that was just rude,"_ Brother draws himself to full height. _"Zoey is Reese's younger sister as a matter of fact,"_

Silence.

_"And she's _twelve_,"_

Woop de do.

"..."

Hey Reggie! I am totally not angry anymore! Can we order Dominos?

_"I'm already set back at least Y 12 000 thanks to your most recent 'Get-rid-of-Reese' scheme,"_

If she hadn't been stupid enough to leave those forks lying around...

_"All of her cutlery was IN HER DRAWERS like IT SHOULD BE, you deranged child. You just had to go and burry it in her back garden, didn't you?"_

...Mighty meaty?

_"Alright, but you go the Dialga down there yourself to collect it..."_

**Entry Three-**

_"Hi, I'd like to order-"_

Two babies.

_"-What toppings? Oh, go on then..."_

Glance wearily around the living room. Nothing seems to have changed since the week I've been away. I wonder did Reggie even miss me at all?

...Tch, not that I care...

Brother hangs up the phone.

_"Man, come to think of it, I'd love a slice of pizza right now,"_

I'd love a slice of baby right now.

...I hate when he ignores me. He's looking at the phone he's still holding.

_"I think I'll call Reese,"_

Groan audibly and stomp nosily upstairs. It's 7 pm now and I don't plan on moving from behind my laptop for another twelve hours at least! From now on I am completely free from the world and it's inhabitants and if anyone even thinks of disturbing me - hell hath no fury like a Paul scorned!

**Entry Four-**

_"PAUL! Pizza!"_

I DON'T WANT ANY ARCEUSFORSAKEN PIZZA, WHAT IN THE NAME OF MEW IS WRONG WITH YOU, REGGIE-

**Entry Five-**

I can't read my own writing. Not that it matters because it's unlikely I'll ever be rereading this.

Paul's Journal basically started when my delightful, needs to choke on his own oesophagus, recieves sexual pleasure from sweeping brushes older brother, Reginald, presented me with a purple notebook for my fifteenth birthday.

A notebook. I mean seriously.

Took one look at the intricate spiral designs on the front cover and let it fall to the ground.

Retrieved it about an hour later as I needed somewhere to record my progress in _Pokemon Leaf Green_. Found it increasingly useful and soon began ranting about everyday life as well. Thus, this beautiful relationship was born!

I've never felt so close to anything in my life. Except perhaps Troublesome.

Now onto what I consider is one of the more serious entires.

I'll even start on a new page.

**Entry Six-**

**Pokemon Black and White: Let the Sucketh Commence or are we finally recieving a region that does not deserve to suck Kanghaskan-**

It's meant to be 'titties' bt the whole title doesn't fit.

From what I gather:

This graphics for this Isshu region are phoenominal, I have to admit. The 3Dness, the scenery, the fact the the Pokemon are mobile in battle...

...also, ferris wheel.

As for the Pokemon? Yeah, I hate to say it but these guys so far look freaking incredible. Don't even get me started on Reshiram and Zokrom.

I mean, those guys?

They pwn harder than Giratina!

...I underlined it for emphasis.

Right, my handwriting is virtually indesipherable now so I think I'll just go to bed.

I'm going to dream of Isshu tonight. Sinnoh, you bastard, you have nothing on this!

**Entry Seven-**

Okay I'm writing quickly because any second I'm going to wake up with Reggie bellowing 'YOU GOT SERVED' right in my face.

Where the heck am I?

What in Arceus' name just happened to me?

The vast, gray, wormlike creature in front of me stirs, turning its evil red eyes on my. My breathing seems to have hastened, my heart is pounding so hard I think my chest is going to explode...

Suddenly, the creature lurches towards me and I fall back onto cold, hard floor. It opens its...mouth? And a piercing scream emerges, it's hovering above me now, I can feel its steely gaze boring into my skin, it's about to swoop down and attack me right this second - it opens its mouth once again and-

_"WHAT IN THE NAME OF SINNOH DO YOU MEAN BY 'RESHIRAM AND ZOKROM PWN HARDER THAN GIRATINA'? I'm telling you, man, that hurt my freaking feelings!"_

...Are you a Giratina?

_"A Giratina? A Giratina? I'm the only Giratina in all of Cresseliafucking Sinnoh! Pardon my French. And you!"_ It glares at me.

I'm sorry...I thought you didn't exist, see?

_"Yes, that's what Arceus WANTS everyone to think, that bastard banishing me to the Reverse World and all. Want to know what I did? I stole his nachoes, I fail to see how that falls under the category of 'violent'! And there was the whole destroying the now nonexistant Orre Region but that-yeah... Anyway..."_

Remain silent.

_"Personally I think he was just bitter 'cause I'm obviously sexier. Shaymin thinks so anyway...yeah, that's it - Arceus wants Shaymin!"_

Uh...Giratina? Right...I was wondering where I am, exactly...

_"Still, I'm not complaining, I've just finished redecorating the Reverse World - Goin' for a 'Dark Abyss meets the Nyappy Sakura' kind of theme. If I could just find a way to get rid of those freaking Sentrets!"_

...IGNORE ME!

_"Right...right. Well, uh - you're currently in my 'Thinking Room'. It's not exactly Distorted...think of it like the Judging Room in America's Next Top Model-"_

And why am I here exactly?

_"You broke the conract, man! Come on, I am so cooler than freaking Reshiram!"_

That's it?

_"Well that and - uh - _I need your asisstance," He drops his voice to a whisper - altogether pointless if you ask me, considering we are the only entities present in this room. Well, apart from that dead headless Sentret over there. _Living _entities...

_"I have recieved word from an unknown source...okay, _Suicune_, that An Cafe are in danger. You see, since June the 4th they have announced that they will be suspending activities for each member to 'find themselves' individually but as it turns out their hiatus is actually due to kidnap!" _Giratina recoils in horror.

_"Suicune tells me the nyappy quintet are currently being held hostage by Aerodactyl in the Stormy Sea! You, turned into a Pokemon, along with your partner must rescue them!"_

...Excuse me, what?

_"I knew it! I knew they would never truely disband! Well?"_

...I'd like to leave now, please.

_"Paul! You are the only one who can help! Well, no - that's a lie...PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOOOUUU!"_

Flinch away as the oversized slug attempts to glomp me. Its eyes flash crimson as it growls.

_"Fine! I'll rescue Antic myself! And Miku will finally realize his undying love for me! He can come and live with me here, in the Reverse World...Takuya will be the bridesmaid, of course...we can eat Sentret for breakfast! But you! If you refuse to help, I shall sentance you to a gruesome and untimely death! Prepare to-"_

**Entry Eight-**

My hand got sore. Anyway, according to Reggie the previous few pages were all a dream but that doesn't explain how I managed to record it.

...I have to go to school now. Joy.

**Entry Nine-**

A week long camping trip in the middle of the school year. How perfect is that? At least I escaped actual class during that excursion. And much more importantly, I escaped HIM.

HIM? HIM? He whom I've been dreading ever since I returned? Let's see how this day plays out...

All I can say is he has an interesting way of greeting people. That Mewforsaken blond ball of spastic energy, jammering nineteen to the dozen without pausing for breath. I sese someone's been hitting the cappuchino machine...

It's not that bad? Oh...you...

**Entry Ten-**

_"PAAAAUULL! You're back, you're back - I missed you so much, I bet you missed me too, huh? Listen, I've got LOADS to tell you - I can't believe it's been a whole week, how was the camping trip, BUMMER I couldn't go - chicken pox now of all times, I'm cured now but I still have some scars, wanna see? Chicken pox is reeeaally itchy I mean people say it's itchy but I didn't think it would be this itchy! I felt like scratching my ass off ANYWAY people say poison ivy is bad too, itchy, I mean, so maybe it's just as well I didn't go - HEY, are you even listening to me? I'll charge you a fine if you're not listening to me!"_

Must...resist...urge...to throttle...

_"My cat has REALLY long whiskers I mean you've seen them they're like guitar string long, I'd really hate to have whikers, imagine brushing your teeth - I guess that's why they don't make toothpaste for cats, they make toothpaste for dogs, though. HEY GUESS WHAT! I bought new toothpaste this weekend - it said on the box it strengthned enamel because my enamel SUCKS I think it's from all the Gatorade I drink-"_

WHY. IS. SCHOOLBUS. NOT. HERE. YET?

_"Hey, wouldn't it be funny if the cheif executive of NHK was God? OH HEY PAUL GUESS WHAT, I was talking to Gold the other day, 'member he moved to Beijing? He hasn't written in so long! And he's hardly ever on Facebook! One of these days I'm going to charge him a fine! I wonder what Chinese money looks like - on one ever pays their fines though, I swear Kenny owes me at least a thousand yen by now-"_

School bus arrives. We get on. He continues to talk. I think I'll kill him.

_"ANYHOO, I was talking to Gold and GUESS WHAT, you'll never believe this but it was in the Chinese newspapers about how Jesus was spotted flying over Beijing, and what's more Gold claims to have seen him with his own eyes, how incredible is that! According to the article he read, a local drunk claimed he even cured everyone in Beijing of leprosy! Of course, no one in Beijing had leprosy in the first place so experts are arguing over this-"_

How many hours in this day are left? Lovely. I have twelve hour of this to look forward to.

**Entry Eleven-**

Well at least it can't get any worse, I think.

**Entry Twelve-**

I've just been moved down to Remedial Math. BAD KARMA. Okay, NOW it's unfeasible that life will get any worse.

Walk swiftly to desk at the back and glare at teacher. None of the drooling imbeciles in here seem to have noticed my presence. I think I'll carve my initials into this desk...

**Entry Thirteen-**

Remedial math? Seriously? Okay, yes, I failed my last five tests, had failed to show up for class the few days before the camping trip and deny the ability to speak English when I'm questioned about this BUT STILL.

I don't like numbers. Well...at least HE isn't in this class. Dare I say it?

**Entry Fourteen-**

_"Okay, class, we're studying Sin, Cos and Tan at the moment so if you'll please take this down._

Everyone's ignoring me. HE isn't here. Maybe I might even enjoy this? The boy sitting in front of me is wearing all black therefore he must be emo. A sane person, perhaps.

_"Okay, 'SIN-yes?"_

_"Miss, you do you spell 'Sin'?"_ I snort. The boy in front of me says nothing. Lean forward to tap him.

_"SIN, comma-yes?"_

The boy raises his hand. I falter.

_"Miss, how do you spell comma?"_

**Entry Fifteen-**

Giratina? Are you there? Yeah, I would LOVE to venture to the Stormy Sea and battle through an unknown dungeon to rescue the Visual kei dance-rock group An Cafe...

**Thank you for reading! I hope this entertained you in some way =D I tried my best n.n**

**Now! More crap!**

**Firstly, probably do not expect another update for about a month because I am going to the Gaeltacht...eww... I'll probably be speaking Irish when I return and you'll be all 'Bad Cafekko!' That's why this entry is particularly long… and strange…**

**And secondly, while I say once again I write to entertain rather than to recieve reviews - I love hearing from you guys! But more specifically, I love hearing what improvements you think could be made. Is there a certain event you'd like to happen (lolwut this story has no plot...), or a favourite character you'd like to appear? I want to make you guys happy n.n Feel free to suggest anything you desire! **

**Until next time, I LOVE YOU ALL and remember to stay Nyappy~**


	6. As the sakuras bloom, nothing changes

**Another word for 'smart' is 'not stupid'.**

**HI NYAPPY! I'm updating sooner than I thought 'cause I felt like writing another chapter before I leave y'all for THREE SOLID WEEKS...I'll miss you. Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed once again, it means the world to me =D I especially want to thank those who left some concrit or advice (particularly you, Judy-Licious, who pointed out the very good fact that though this story is set in Japan I use the character's English names. Many thanks for catching that! =D This story will now be set in Manhattan, New York, as opposed to Shibuya, Japan.)**

**(Lesser Panda Bear x3 I wuv you xx)**

**Not that it really matters but I'm gonna be going back over previous chapters and just fixing up a few things and I've changed the format that Paul writes his entries in...As you'll see below. I felt I've abused the line ;-;**

**Oh dear Arceus, has this fic done what I think it's done and TURNED INTO A HIGHSCHOOL FIC? ...Why yes, yes it has. And now, quite frankly, cheddar cheese makes more sense... lol, it's easy to incorporate humor into a high school-based fanfic.../shot **

**BTW, for you, my dear Pikachufiction, Conway has a lil' cameo...I don't know, he scares me but I tried xDD**

**I hope this will make you nyappy~**

**Entry One-**

This class is driving me..._crazy_. And I'm not even ten minutes into it yet!

I swear to Arceus, sweet holy mother of Mew, I am _this close_ to yanking all of my hair out lock by lock. I mean... yes, I spell it 'Oxegen' but that's more so to do with the ads on TV than anything else! I. Am. Going. To. Go. Freaking. Insane!

**Entry Two-**

Out of my - out of my - completely out of my-

**Entry Three-**

Have I got the message across to you yet? Have I made it clear just how much I despise my current position? Or should I elucidate even more?

HAVE I MADE THE HATE CLEAR TO YOU? CAPLOCKS CANNOT EXPRESS MY HATE-

**Entry Four-**

In geometry, a **translation** moves (or **maps**) every point the same distance in the same direction. Each point is 'carried across' the same distance along the same direction. Under the translation (ab), which we see in the diagram, _x_ is mapped onto _y, p_ is mapped onto _q_ and, of course_, a_ is mapped onto- oh, fuck this.

**Entry Five-**

_"Now, pay attention please, class. You see how the line I have just drawn here is exactly the same as this one here? All right, what do we call this line, class? Beginning with T? Beginning with T?"_

_"Parallel, Miss!"_

/headdesk

**Entry Six-**

This is torture - I'd rather _walk_ up a ninety-degree angle than talk about one for one more minute!

**Entry Seven-**

_"So, in order to find the missing angle, we need to use the Sin rule. What will we call this angle here, then?"_

_"Call it Jerry, Miss, I'm going to call mine Jerry,"_

**Entry Eight-**

The only thing I can be grateful for is that this is remedial Math and not remedial Geography.

_Q3, Section 1: Spell Mississippi but don't look at how it's written here._

...The sad thing is that's not a lie.

**Entry Nine-**

I think I'll write a story to, y'know, pass the time.

_One day, an incredibly annoying, stupid boy called Ash Ketchup, who was wearing a really silly hat, was walking down the street when he was run over by a truck. Then Goatman Apparated onto the scene and suddenly started butchering the boy's insides that left him in such a way that would've made Jack the Ripper proud, and after that he attached Electrodes to his penis which was not only excruciatingly painful but also made his hair stand up ridiculously, and then ManBearPig knawed his arm off, and then he lost the Game, and then Ash's cell phone rang and he answered it and a creepy voice whispered 'Seven Days...' and then pirates-_

Oh shoot, I'm getting carried away. I forgot paragraphs.

_-After all of this, Ash was feeling rather depressed, so he decided to drown himself at sea but, when he arrived at the pier, pirates kidnapped him and started throwing knives at him, and then they got bored so they pulled off every single one of his toenails, one by one, with a pliers, and then an oil tanker crashed into the pirate!ship so Ash nearly drowned, and then he was raped by Tentacools but he managed to escape and swim to shore._

_He was relieved to see Justin Bieber when he reached the shore, as she started singing to him in her pure, graceful voice, but then the Jonas Brothers showed up and ruined everything. After that, Ash became possessed by and evil demon and so he had the shit kicked out of him by Maka and Soul. Then Chuck Norris-_

Wow, class is over already? ...I'll just finish it quickly...

_-And then Dawn and Paul got married and had nine babies called Cassian, Shinji, Crystal, Hikari, Ikarishipping, Kamijo, Haley, Graymon and Electabuzz. The End._

Mother of Mew, it's even better than that one I wrote about Oak and Ayasaki getting _SERIAL_. Or the one where Ginger is a fat, ugly whore bag whom everyone despises so she becomes a dentist. I think I might even submit this to fanfictiondotnet!

**Entry Ten-**

_"PAUL! Why were you so late out of class? I don't believe this you're like...two minutes late, do you even realize how much I have to tell you? SHOOT, it must SUCK to have been moved down to Remedial Math, but what the hey, I've been moved down to Remedial English, I mean, it's not THAT big a deal, apparently my grammar is atrocious, especially my spelling, well I'm having a really hard time caring, Mrs. Casey, _if that is your real name,_ I spell words the way I hear them and that's how it's should be done! I think she's just mad 'cause I spelt her name with a 'K' on my last assignment, what's the deal with 'K' anyway, it's just riding off of 'C's success..."_

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening-

_"Hey Paul, did you hear on the news, about that maniac Zero who recently escaped from prison? They traced him all the way to New Orleans where someone reported seeing an albino man carrying three black bags over his shoulder as he made a getaway from a local robbery, on a child's tricycle, can you believe it? Man I would've charged him such a fine-ANYHOO, they reported that a whooole lotta drugs were missing so the police followed numerous reports until they finally found him, three days later. Up a sycamore tree,"_

He's panting. I think that's why he stopped.

Also, he really doesn't need to know I've been following the case with bated breath for the past month. And to my recollection, it was an oak tree.

OH, HEY, IT'S TROUBLESOME!

**Entry Eleven-**

Okay, shoot, what haven't I used yet...Let's see...she likes animals?

Hey, Troublesome! Let's make like squirrels and I'mma bust a nut in yo' hole!

_"PAUL! I WILL KILL YOU! I WISH __**YOU'D **__ GET EATEN BY A SQUIRREL! YOUR FLY IS OPEN!"_

I DON'T HAVE A FLY!

_"You can just feel the love in the air,"_

Blue wraps an arm around Troublesome.

_"Paul, you'd be surprised how well a girl can respond if you'd only throw her a compliment every now and then,"_

She looks Troublesome directly in the eyes.

_"Dawn, treat 'em mean but keep 'em keen, girl!"_

The adorable look of hesitance that's come over her face makes me wanna squeal KAWAII DESU! MOE MOE MOE followed by a shitload of caplocks. But I won't. Because this site won't allow it.

_"Paul...if you really like me...you'll treat me with some respect,"_

I consider this.

_"Or even if you just stop shouting some stupid line at me every single day between the first two morning classes...yeah, I'd be pretty fine with that too,"_

I, uh-...have you read the latest chapter of Ouran?

Her eyes light up.

_"What'd you think, Tamaki and Haruhi or Hikaru and Haruhi? To be honest, I prefer Hikaru and Haruhi, I mean-"_

**Entry Twelve-**

That was going well. At least until I tried to put my hand up her skirt.

...She scratched me so hard I have to report to the infirmary to get a towel to stop the bleeding. All I can say is...I'll never wash this hand again...

...Fittingly enough, the only Japanese phrase I know is _'Ware wa hentai desu_,"

**Entry Thirteen-**

I suppose I could waste this space ranting about how pointless S.P.H.E is but you'll see why I find this class thoroughly enjoyable in just a few seconds.

First, I have to wave at Troublesome...

...Arceus, if looks could kill, I'd be lying dead on the floor right now...

Our teacher, Mrs. Greene, has just written on the whiteboard:

**Pokemon: Black and White, yet Another New Generation of Possessed Young Minds Without the Slightest Clue about Pure Reality**

And you thought I was strange.

Let me explain something, Journal. At my school, everyone's a little crazy about something and that something is Pokemon. The games? Can't get enough of 'em. Gotta catch 'em all. Sure, Troublesome and Bandana-headed chick are completely infatuated with the Contests in the Third and Fourth Generation games and Lyra's achieved master status in Pokelethon but I know for a fact Blue has a party to rival mine and as for Oak's Arcanine? Far from bragging, that bastard is powerful!

Of course, you have got some retards like Ketchum who don't even bother to so much as EV train.

_"I do so Eevee train, Paul! I have an Espeon in my party and everything_!"

...Anyway, naturally this obsession is noticed by our teachers but Mrs. Greene especially is worried by it. So much so she's started an Anti-Pocket Monsters group on Facebook and has spent the past three years teaching here trying to convince us all that Pokemon is the spawn of the devil. Or something.

_"Of course, I had no doubt this would eventually happen. Yet another two years of pent up excitement to live in a fictional world that in no way resembles our own!"_

Yeah, they don't have toilets. Or the ability to walk in more than four directions.

_"Ever since this ridiculous craze first came about, I knew it from the green cocoon, curiously shaped like the male reproductive organ..."_

_"WHAT?"_

Along with everyone else, I turn to look at Ketchum. Wow. What a dipshit.

_"And thus, the competition begins once again for thousands upon thousands of bright, intelligent young people to waste hours of their life attempting to see who has the 'strongest' Pokemon..." _

She sighs.

_"Come on, Miss, we're not that bad. Most of us only play the games for fun, not to raise Ubers,"_

Blue pipes up.

_"Unless you're Paul, he spends all of his life in those games, he's completely Pokemon obsess-"_

Hey, Ketchum, another Pikachu outta you and I'mma Squirtle you so Butterfree that you won't be able to Bulbasaur for a whole week!

_"Oh yeah, Paul? Well...well...you use the walk-through-walls cheat to-to _contemplate_ for your tiny penis!"_

Silence. Then raucous laughter fills my ears, although I do catch Oak groaning loudly.

Ketchum, you need to die! Give me your hat, I wanna make salad in it!

**Entry Fourteen-**

Class ends. Lunch time. I bolt out of there, away from HIM, faster than a blue tit trying to escape the claws of a vicious house cat who harbors a desire to crush its insides into mush.

I make it to the very bottom pitch where no one ever goes. Good. I'm alone. Or at least I think I am.

..Who's that freak over there? The loser with navy hair and HarryPotteresque specs, muttering furiously to himself?...Huh.

Boy looks up, sees me, and waves. He strolls over. Dammit, if he hadn't seen me I could've made a dash for it!

_"Hello there, the name's Conway, you're the first person I've seen come down here, so far, I'm relatively new to this school and I do find it somewhat interesting, don't you think?"_

...I can punch him nao? o3o

_"From what I can fathom so far, everyone in this school seems to have a distinct personality so I decided to get started on my small contribution. If you'll direct your attention to the grass which we are standing on...I understand it appears to be what looks like perfectly normal grass at first sight but I have managed to alter the molecular structure so that when it reaches a certain height, the grass will cut itself,"_

Haha, emo grass...wait WHAT

He pushes his glasses back onto his nose.

_"What's that you're writing in that book there? Can I have a-OW!"_

Yeah. I punched him.

...I don't really know what to do with his unconscious body...

...Cheh, what a wimp. Even Ketchum needs a good five strong blows to the head before I knock the life out of him.

K, I'm just gonna back away now...

**Entry Fifteen-**

Grudgingly, I return to the school but retreat to what I hoped was an empty classroom. No such luck. Ayasaki and Ketchum grin deliriously at me.

I hear footsteps behind me and manage to duck before Oak flings a bunch of small rocks at Ayasaki. Wait...did my mind manipulation work? =D

Ayasaki brushes himself down and shrugs. Ketchum rounds on Oak.

_"What the heck did you do that for, Gary? That was mean! Don't throw rocks at Drew!"_

Ayasaki holds up a hand.

_"Ash...it's okay. If Gary wants to throw rocks at me then that's his business; just let him throw rocks at me,"_

I had originally intended to keep out of this conversation but I feel I must comment on this.

Wait, did you just give him _permission_ to throw rocks at you?

_"Now, Paul, what did I just say? Yes he can throw rocks at me if he wants!"_

I falter. Wait...

Can I throw rocks at you?

"_NO PAUL!"_

Why the fuck not? He can!

"_That's different! There's a difference!"_

...That's racist.

_"How's it racist?"_

'Cause he can but I can't.

Honestly, the NERVE.

**Entry Sixteen-**

Lunch is now over. I have two more classes to sit through today. I had considered writing another story but decided my creative juices had been all used up today. I'll content myself with drawing a picture of Troublesome.

**Entry Seventeen-**

_"...Arceus, Paul, I can't tell the difference between her eyes and her boobs!"_

Did I say you could look in here? Adolescents do not stop developing until their twenties, so she's got plenty of time to grow a decent rack!

_"...You're a really good drawer,"_

...lolWUT. Did Ketchum just compliment me?

**Entry Eighteen-**

Sweet mother of Mew, it's OVER! Finally! Well, after this class it is.

I don't know why I'm taking French. At least both KETCHUM and THATBLONDBALLOFSPASTICENERGY are exempt from this class.

I catch a glimpse of Troublesome approaching Ayasaki and growl. They ignore me. She asks him:

_"Have I heard right and did you give Gary _permission_ to throw rocks at you?"_

_"Yes, Gary can throw rocks at me if he wants,"_

Slam books down on table next to Ayasaki.

But PAUL can't! DX

**Entry Nineteen-**

I get to leave now. There's a party in my head but NO ONE'S invited. Except for Troublesome.

Hey, Troublesome! Wait up!

_"What do you want now, Paul?"_

I just wanted to talk to you! Hear your sweet, angelic voice, gaze at your beauty-

"_Talk to the face Paul, 'cause my ass ain't listenin',"_

Ginger, who was lurking nearby, snorts.

At least I can tell the difference between her ass and her face!

I'm pleased to see the Ginger scowl.

_"Look, Paul, can this be quick? I wanna walk home with Misty,"_

Walk home with me.

"What?"

Walk home with me.

_"...Paul, we live in opposite directions,"_

I'll double-back. Let me walk you home.

She glances at Ginger, who shrugs and leaves. I can tell from Troublesome's expression she's wondering what Blue would do in this situation. She sighs.

_"Alright Paul. But only if you stop insulting me friends!"_

Fine, whatever, I didn't really want to walk-wait. She agreed? Gaze at the beautiful bluenette in shock. Her smile may be wan but she still agreed!

Ten minutes of alone time with Troublesome...

...I think I might even do the 'Paul' dance...

**I have to admit, the EV train =/= Eevee train joke is not mine, I found it somewhere on Pokecommunity and could just see Ash saying something like that! xD Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of the person who came up with it =(**

**So, NOW I don't think I'll be able to update again for another four weeks =( I'm sure you'll survive! Why don't you make my day and review/ add this story to your favs if you have not already done so? =D**

**For next chapter: I'mma try fit in MOAR DawnxPaul interaction as well as Paul/Reggie interaction. Yeah. Yeah...Of course, I'll also be glad to fit in anything my darling readers suggest ;)**

**While you're waiting, why don't you go listen to a song by the band An Cafe? Right now, I recommend either 'Passion!' or 'Chery Saku Yuuki'...**

**Until next time, BYE-NYAPPY!**


	7. Common Sense robs one's foresight

**I'm going to begin this chapter by ignoring Brock. HEY, BROCK! I'm ignoring you!**

**DIAMOND AND PEARL HAS ENDED.**

**DITTO BAKUGAN NEW VESTROIA.**

…**Maybe I should write a book or something…**

**Entry One**

Things were going ridiculously fantastic with Troublesome (even resolved to start using her real name – Dawn, apparently) until I came up with the ingenious plan of taking a 'shortcut' to her house through a narrow alleyway. Actually, the detour added at least ten minutes to our walk but she didn't protest much.

Maybe she was even grateful that we got to spend more time together. Must say I was. I MEAN – that I got to spend a longer time ogling her smokin' hot body, not, y'know, that it had anything to do with what were talking about or that I was enjoying her company or anything. Really. She's hot. That's it. That's totally it. It does help she's no Haruhi Suzimiya but my attraction to Dawn – I mean, Troublesome, is purely physical.

…90 percent, plus or minus five anyway.

I'm digressing with this completely irrelevant information (much like they did in biblical times) obviously; I like the girl 'cause she's hot. And I wouldn't want anything to happen to her – completely for selfish reasons – which is why I immediately shoved her aside and pushed myself firmly in front of her when some idiot wearing a ski mask decided it would be fun to ambush us. Note to self: EAT HIS CHILDREN

Of course, Troublesome started wailing pitifully and this alarmed our attacker, who cursed and started issuing threats before brandishing what appeared to be an old sock filled with batteries.

All terror in the air now vanished, and I just became very pissed off as opposed to in anyway alarmed, especially when Troublesome tried to plea with our attacker not to hurt us, we were innocent children and she'd never say a word if he left us alone and never bothered us again. She even offered him her Kit Kat if he'd just go away.

By this time I'd managed to recognize the masked man. His name was James and, child mugging and battery-filled sock swinging aside, he was relatively harmless. I told him I'd be reporting him to the police and if he swung that sock at me one more time I'd happily beat the crap out of him, or better, tell his girlfriend Jesse he'd been harassing children. Not that she's have been against mugging us herself – it would've been the fact that she didn't know where James had ran off too. Jessie's a control freak and batshit insane. Anyway, James immediately broke down and promised to leave us alone as long as we promised not to say a word to anyone and, look; he'd even give Troublesome back her Kit Kat.

After he left, I walked a still shivering Troublesome to her door, even wrapping my jacket around her shoulders, and said I'd see her tomorrow. She half smiled and then gave me a light peck on the cheek. Felt all fuzzy inside.

Went home to watch soft porn for three hours, all the while cursing my luck that Troublesome was probably the 'Waiting 'til Marriage' kind of girl.

**Entry Two**

Despite telling James I'd completely forget the incident, I later complained to Reggie about him, although he was too busy watching American Idol and eating a chocolate mousse to really pay any attention. Mentioned the streets are unsafe and Troublesome and I could have been seriously injured or raped or worse.

"That's great, Paul. Go get me a spoon."

I growl and start focusing on Troublesome – what if she had been walking by herself? Does she know how to defend herself? I mean, okay, at least I have a black belt in karate (and origami) but she's a little thing and could easily get taken advantage of. I was really on a roll, pointing out various facts about muggers and rapists and that how so many of us were unable to defend ourselves in the face of danger. Finally, I ran out of breathe and, panting, asked Reggie what he was going to do about all this.

"Paul, I'm going to EAT THIS YOGHURT…. _Without_ using a spoon, apparently."

Note to self: Start carrying around a bottle of Fabreeze with me everywhere I go.

**Entry Three**

Me and my bloody big mouth.

Apparently Reggie mulled it over and decided learning to defend ourselves wasn't such a bad idea, so he called my school and suggested we hire some skilled martial artists to give us a class on self defense. I was actually mildly excited over the prospect of a whole day with no classes and instead kicking the crap out of Ketchum and Barry until Ginger decided this was a perfect opportunity to 'beat some manners into me'. Now looking forward to staring at her ugly smirk of triumph for roughly five hours while she repeatedly pulls me into a headlock and digs at my roots, desperately searching for proof that that lilac isn't my 'natural colour'.

**Entry Four**

Whole Day dedicated to Self Defense Class. Our instructors are two twentysomething year old guys. Because I'm a busy person and don't bother too much about irrelevant, unnecessary, unimportant details (like people's names), the slimmer guy is an albino who, in my head, I have nicknamed 'Powder', and the broader guy is Asian who looks like he belongs in a Bollywood movie, or some shit like that, and should never ever be in the same room as me ever, because it would be very bad for my ego.

"Oh, I'd tap that."

Oak is right there, Blue.

A sudden hushed atmosphere came over the room, and I glance warily room Blue (who's avoiding eye contact) to Troublesome (who looks uncomfortable). A furious Ginger hisses:

"What is the MATTER with you, Paul? Gary and Blue broke up yesterday! She's absolutely devastated, you insensitive jerk! That bastard Oak cheated on her with Lyra – but SHE was going out with-

Ginger, I'm going to stop you right there. All that crap you just spouted? Classified under 'Shit no one cares about'.

Even so, as she fumes I turn to Blue.

Blue, that shitbag over there's no worth a second thought. Just wait 'til the day he'll come bawling back to you – think of the satisfaction when you get to tell him sorry hun, your little Pokeballs are nothing – the world would be a better place if you just crawled up your own ass and died!

…Dear Arceus, am I going soft?

**Entry Five**

Introduction to Street Crime.

"-And it is a scary thing when you barely glance at someone and they suddenly just immediately accuse you of staring at them, then they come over start threatening you, maybe even with a knife-"

Bored already.

**Entry Six.**

This is one hell of a Self Defence lesson. The supposedly 'skilled' martial artists demonstrate possible scenarios involving rape, knife crime and shit like that using a variety of _puppets_.

Am I the only one a little concerned by this?

"Okay, the guy's coming at you, swinging blind punches, absolutely drunk out of his mind and his only intention is to knock you stone cold to the floor. What do you do?"

As the albino acts out this scene with a freaky mugger puppet who bears a freakish amount of resemblance to Edward Cullen, we all stare silently back at him.

"Take out your Gauntlet and challenge them to a brawl! Bang, Bang Bakugan!"

The goggle-clad, brown haired kid screams, and hurls a small plastic marble at the mugger puppet. Said marble shatters into forty different pieces as soon as it hits the ground.

Damn, and those things cost at least ten dollars…

Our albino instructor, 'Powder', kind of just shakes his head looking a little delusional. Someone probably should have told him the standard intelligence of a student at this school is about as much as your average brick.

**Entry Seven**

"Okay, girls, you're approached by a rapist who presses a knife to your throat and demands you have sex with him or he will kill you-"

"Tell him you've syphilis!" This is Ginger.

"Tell him you're thrilled, and you knew it didn't matter you were still in the middle of your tranny op – it's what's on the inside that counts and, hey, you're getting your dick removed next week anyway." Blue.

By now Powder is staring at the wall. The words 'apply head here' have probably magically materialized and I'd guess he's in the middle of debating whether or not to comply.

The Asian guy chuckles. He's said nothing so far but look incredibly amused and eyeball a few of the better-looking female students.

Snow Boy takes a deep breath.

"Noooo…" He holds up the girl doll and begins to demonstrate the correct procedure, however, Ketchum immediately grabs the puppet from him and proclaims it looks exactly like Mikura Asahina and he wants to keep it.

Milky White's rubbing his forehead and groaning quite audibly.

"Fine. Get raped. See if I care!" He mutters.

The Asian now steps forward and I overhear him muttering to Casper that perhaps using a bunch of puppets to capture and hold the attention of a bunch of fifteen year olds isn't exactly the wisest of strategies and explains there's a method to teaching young adults, we have specific needs that are required to be fulfilled-

**Entry Eight**

"Okay, here's how it's gonna work. If you behave and listen to what I say, you get a marshmallow. If you don't, you DON'T get a marshmallow." Asian dude holds up a bag of Funky Marshmallows.

Oak scoffs.

"We're note KIDS you know; you're kind of insulting our intelligence-" Knee him in the groin.

BE QUIET OAK, I WANT A MARSHMALLOW!

**Entry Nine**

Day went pretty well, actually managed to scab three marshmallows (two white, one pink), and learned several new fighting techniques that might come in handy for the next time I see James.

Near the end we had the mandatory but useless "Any questions?" routine, where no one ever asks questions.

Then Drew puts up his hand to ask a question.

"Just say, metaphorically, you were attacked by a can opener. How are you supposed to defend against that?"

Powder points out that can openers are inanimate and therefore unlikely to attack anyone.

"Okay, okay, but metaphorically, what if someone had brought it to life? Like an evil sorcerer, say an evil sorcerer brought a can opener to life? Does this course tell you how to deal with that? I didn't hear anything about it! You think you've got ALLLLL the basic covers but nooo, nothing about can openers!"

"I once read a book named 'Happy the Magical Can Opener'." Blue chirps.

Asian guy cuts in and argues that of course, they take can openers seriously; dealing with can openers is a serious business and did we really think they could condense such a serious topic into a few hours? We'd have to go through the various types of can openers, from the old fashioned to the new, electric ones, the various weaknesses, whether or not the can opener was made of iron (incase we happened to be part elf), and all of this was only Day 1 of the course! But if he was really serious about the dangers of can openers, he could check out the guide book they'd written, available for fourteen ninety nine at any good bookstore near you. The book could also be ordered at .

By now Drew was laughing to hard to listen – he had been dared to asked the question and very satisfied with his response, though he did splutter something about fourteen ninety nine being way too "Fucking steep."

Okay, perhaps it wasn't the most awful day of my life but it took me until I was walking in my front door to stop and think and realize we'd spent about ten minutes debating over what to do if we were ever attacked by an evil can opener.

**Bonus Entry Ten!**

Ketchum ran at me today swinging around a silver can opener. Took out my bottle of Fabreeze and managed to squirt it in his eyes. Probably impaired his vision for life but earlier today he'd mocked my Paramore bracelet- er, man jewellary and sight is overrated anyway.

YOU JUST GOT FABREEZE'D, BITCH!

**Sorry, it's short.**

**Sorry this took so long.**

**Sorry if it's not up to usual standard.**

**Sorry, but I LOVE POWDER, he's my new baby (hugs him)**

**Disclaimer: Absolutely NONE of this was based on a real story/ event. Be cool if it was and also pretty weird but I assure you none of it happened IRL.**

**No can openers were harmed in the making of this chapter.**

**BAKUGAN BRAAAAAAWWWWWLLLLL!**


	8. BANG BANG BAKUGAN

**Tee hee. More mandatory Bakugan References…**

**Also, I forgot some IMPORTANT THINGS. Please see IMPORTANT THINGS at the end of this chapter.**

**I see ya'll have been wise enough to take Safety from Can Openers 101; HOWEVER, the REAL threat begins with this chapter…**

* * *

**Entry One**

I have just found THE GREATEST WAY EVER to amuse myself.

I will now record THE GREATEST WAY EVER to amuse myself.

THE GREATEST WAY EVER TO AMUSE MYSELF, by Paul

**Equipment:**

Pokemon Leaf Green Version,

Loss of childish innocence,

Free time

**Procedure:**

Step One – Turn on Pokemon Leaf Green Version.

Step Two – Visit Viridian Forest.

Step Three – Crawl around in grass until a wild Caterpie appears.

Step Four – Capture said Caterpie, nickname Caterpie 'Penis'.

Step Five – Evolve Caterpie into a Metapod.

Step Six – Penis learned Harden!

Step Seven – Wild Kakuna Appeared! What will Penis do? Penis used Harden!

Step Eight – PROFIT ?

…Excellent…

**Entry Two**

Cheh, well, turns out that only kept me occupied for fifteen minutes so now I have to find something else to do. Maybe I should take over the world, or some shit like that…

**Entry Three**

Oh wait, I can't take over the world tonight; I've school tomorrow…

**Entry Four**

"PAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUULLLLLLL! Hey, hey, Paul, I'm talking to you, Paul, do you even hear me, Paul? STOP IGNORING ME! IF YOU DO NOT RESPOND WITHIN THE NEXT TEN SECONDS I'M FINING YOU SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! TEN…NINE…AWH, COME ON, PAUL, ANSWER MEEEE!"

God, I wish I were deaf…

"SEVEN-What? Deaf? That's a terrible thing to say, Paul! You can't wish you were deaf! That's absolutely terrible! My mother is deaf, y'know!"

Seriously? Is she, really?

"Yes! I wouldn't make something like that up!"

So she's never heard you speak?

"Well, uh, no-"

GOD, I'd love that…

**Entry Five**

Managed to get him to stop talking to me by threatening to read excerpts from Stephen King's IT. I don't know what he finds scarier: Pennywise the Dancing Clown or the thought of actual LITERATURE.

…I know what I'm more afraid of…

**Entry Six**

Pennywise, actually. That shit is scary!

**Entry Seven**

Generic day at school not worthy of being recorded.

**Entry Eight**

And now I'm scared. Here's what happened while I was walking home from school today:

Gathered in front of the general store was a group of the strangest looking people I'd ever seen in my life – a few of them even shared Will's mask fetish. Anyway, they looked like a bunch of cosplayers or some shit like that and I was planning on ignoring them completely until one of them called me over.

Come to think of it, he looked kind of like Sasuke Uchiha, except his hair was longer and not blue.

I'm so apt at descriptions…

Anyway, the weirdo immediately started talking to me in a hushed voice.

"You! Hey, you! Listen – I need your help! The world is in terrible, terrible danger!"

I yawned.

"We've got to stop Naga from retrieving the infinity core! If Naga has the infinity core he has complete control over mankind! We'll all perish at his hands! There's no hope-"

"Uh, Shun?"

"…What?"

"We actually can't afford that plot twist right now. Author's contract." A girl with bright blue hair tied back into two ponytails interrupted him. "Sorry 'bout that." She shrugged.

"Oh." Shun frowned.

"Can I ask him if he wants to sponsor a tiger then-"

"NO SHUN! NO YOU MAY NOT ASK HIM IF HE WANTS TO SPONSOR A FUCKING TIGER!" Yet another guy, some sort of Super Saiyan wearing a red mask and gravity defying trenchcoat yelled.

I'd apologize for my rudeness except I don't really care if I offend you or not be… WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF ARCEUS ARE YOU ON ABOUT?

I felt the need to throttle someone. Seriously, why me?

The group whispered to themselves for a few seconds before Shun finally turned to me.

"Okay, here's what the deal is. We're in the midst of a crises situation: Unicorns are trying to take over the world and slaughter the human race."

Unicorns. Take over the world.

I started to walk away but Shun pulled me back, intent on making me listen.

"I'm serious! I know it sounds crazy but it's true! They're a devious race; those unicorns and they must be stopped before they cause some serious damage, like get a hold of a Death Note, or something! You've got to help us! No, listen!" The blue haired girl cut in.

"Unicorns are the epitome of evil. They're completely merciless. If you see one, kill it immediately. There's no time to play nice here. You've got to kill it and make sure it's dead before you walk away. There's nothing worse than a unicorn with reason for revenge. They'll stalk you to the ends of the earth. They'll take your six-year-old niece and hold her hostage. You'll get phonecalls in the middle of the night consisting of nothing but a soft neighing, live your entire life looking over your shoulder, waiting for the unicorn to attack…"

…It was at that moment I knew I'd lost complete faith in humanity…

Okay. Great. Unicorns. I'll be on guard. Who are you guys, by the way?

They pause – and then strike a pose.

"We're the Bakugan Battle Brawlers!"

I left.

**Entry Nine**

Tonight I Googled the Bakugan Battle Brawlers.

Apparently one day, some giant evil penis/ dragon hybrid named DeDooBopBop Tazor Swinging Finger Lickin' Chicken (Or 'Naga' for short) started to PMS and decided he'd take over the world. In order to do this he needed the Magical Crystal of Oz, or the Infinity Core. Some shit happened, a black hole opened up and monsters from his world began raining down in ours, except as marbles. Despite this conspicuous and fucking weird event, parents thought it would be okay for their kids to play with these marbles, calling the game Bakugan. More shit happened and the Bakugan Battle Brawlers were formed.

Ten years later Dan got Runo pregnant. They're keeping it and naming it Molly if it's a girl and Nintendo Wii if it's a boy.

**Entry Ten**

Contemplated about the various consequences of unicorns taking over the world while eating Pot Noodles. Decided that it would indeed be a bad thing and probably shouldn't happen.

It also occurred to me that this is the second time in two weeks I've been asked to help someone save something – first Giratina, now this? Maybe I'm giving out some sort of good guy signals or something, I dunno… So I probably should take over the world, then, so people will stop getting the wrong idea.

**Entry Eleven**

Will commence world takeover starting tomorrow by rounding up the fire-breathing calculators and brainwashing them to do my bidding. The Ministry of Magic should be mine by sundown!

**Entry Twelve**

Walking home from school today I got attacked by a rabid unicorn. It ran at me, thrashing its horn so I grabbed its neck and punched it, then aimed for its neck in order to crush its windpipe. It began to slowly choke to death, which was actually quite disturbing. Eventually it stopped twitching and just lay there, still.

I kicked it and it remained motionless so I assumed it was dead and continued walking home.

**Entry Thirteen (Unlucky…)**

It has just occurred to me how freakishly weird that was…

* * *

**I'm so sorry if this entry was confusing. If there's something you didn't understand, tell me!**

**Well, unicorns are going to take over the world. We're doomed…**

**Preview for next chapter: It's Valentine's Day and everyone has a date but Paul has to put his plans for world domination first! Will he and Dawn EVER get together?**

**IMPORTANT STUFF!**

**This chapter was a little lacking in ikarishipping – for awesome ikarishipping make sure to check out Pokeshipper Reborn's ikarishipping oneshot – it's adorable and made me giggle at the end! Tell me if you know of any good, funny ikari fics …**

**Actually it's the girls that have two X chromosomes… right? Thanks Waveripple for pointing that out! xD**


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